It’s one of the best sports times of the year: March Madness.

It’s a month of nonstop college basketball. The office secretary won $500 on the office pool because the UNC colors are “so pretty” and work any season of the year… While you picked Kentucky after reading KenPom updates every week and convincing yourself that the SEC is a basketball conference now.

And so, in honor of how much of a crapshoot this whole bracket madness is, this blog will be me filling out a bracket with ZERO thought about the actual game or players. Instead, I will take each match up at face value and weigh mascots, colors, fan bases, whatever I feel like, let’s just say… It will be madness. I have no idea where this will go, but let’s have some fun…

Round of 64

South Region
– 1 Alabama vs 16 Texas A&M Corpus Christie: Working on vibes I think I’m getting on “Island Time” and I’m taking the Texas A&M Corpus Christie Islanders to earn their bid tonight, but on Friday the Crimson Tide will wash over them like it’s Indonesia in 2004.
– 8 Maryland vs 9 West Virginia: Davey Crockett and the WVU mountaineers make cooter stew out of the Terps.
– 5 San Diego State vs 12 Charleston: The SDSU Aztecs dominate and go full Apocalypto on Charleston, ripping out hearts one wet 3 at a time.
– 4 Virginia vs 13 Furman: Now, say it with me, “F-U Virginia!” – Furman University sends the Cavs home with their tiki torches between their legs.
– 6 Creighton vs 11 NC State: The Blue Jays fly right over the Wolfpack to rain in 3’s like Nagasaki, Creighton beats NC State.
– 3 Baylor vs 14 UC Santa Barbara: Baylor will “Build that Wall!” with all of UCSB’s bricked shots to keep those dirty gauchos out of the round of 32.
– 7 Missouri vs 10 Utah State: A tiger is an aggie’s worst nightmare, especially a sober aggie… Mizzou over Utah State.
– 2 Arizona vs 15 Princeton: On the other hand, a Princeton tiger is just a nerd with stretch marks. That’s no match for a tall tan Arizona Wildcat, Arizona W.

East Region:
– 1 Purdue vs 16 Fairleigh Dickinson I’m tired of teams with tiger mascots so, Fairleigh Dickinson Knight’s move to check mate and earn their spot in the round of 68. But Purdue’s got that union boilermaker gig, full benefits with $125 per diem, so they win the easy 1-16 matchup.
– 8 Memphis vs 9 Florida Atlantic: Memphis gets the Young Dolph treatment from FAU and gets shot down from 3-point range. But now this is where my bracket gets a little crazy…
– 5 Duke vs 12 Oral Roberts: Oral Roberts has a mascot whose name is actually nerdy enough to match up against those Proactive covered 4 eyed freaks from Duke: Eli the Golden Eagle, which stands for “Education, Life skill, and Integrity” (insert fart noise here). Oral Roberts in a LANDSLIDE.
– 4 Tennessee vs 13 Louisiana: Let’s follow up one upset with another because there is no way that a Volunteer can hold their own against a Ragin’ Cajun… Those Cajuns have enlarged medulla oblongatas so their rage knows no bounds and will send UT home early.
– 6 Kentucky vs 11 Providence: The Providence mascot is a thing of nightmares, so I refuse to support that program against an arguably under seeded Kentucky.
– 3 Kansas State vs 14 Montana State: I have no jokes for Kansas State or Montana State, K State goes on.
– 7 Michigan State vs 10 USC: The rematch of the AGES, literally. After 3 millennia we have the Trojan War 2.0, Michigan State Spartans take on the USC Trojans. We know how this goes, MSU goes up big, gets complacent, then USC comes out at halftime in a big wooden horse which becomes an instant 10-foot contender around the rim to help them come back and win.
– 2 Marquette vs 15 Vermont: We’ve got Marquette in Wisconsin and then we have Vermont. I see Beer vs Syrup, and I’m picking beer baby, Marquette wins.

Midwest Region:
– 1 Houston vs 16 Northern Kentucky: The Northern Kentucky Norse is one of the best mascot names in the whole county, but a Viking will get shot in Texas before they can do anything, Houston wins easily.
– 8 Iowa vs 9 Auburn: In another classic rematch the Auburn Plainsman clash against the Iowa Hawkeyes and Iowa takes the Last of the Mohicans on the war path to victory.
– 5 Miami vs 12 Drake: The next big Headline that will be sure to make your Hotline Bling is the Drake vs Miami game, where God’s Plan includes a huge 12-5 upset by the Champagne Papi.
– 4 Indiana vs 13 Kent State: The Indiana Hoosiers will sweep the leg and pin the Kent State Golden Flashes within 30 seconds to win easily.
– 6 Iowa State vs 11 Mississippi State: Mississippi State win the play in game in honor of Mike Leach, but lose the next as the Iowa State Cyclones wipe out whatever trailer park the Mississippi State bulldogs call home.
– 3 Xavier vs 14 Kennesaw State: A classic matchup of the Musketeers vs the Owls. The Catholics vs Ryan Seacrest (they’re more aligned than I realized…) But Xavier is the man in this relationship, Xavier moves on.
– 7 Texas A&M vs 10 Penn State: The Nittany Lions stalked down and hunted all of the Texas A&M Yell Leaders, spitting out their class rings like cherry pits so Penn State wins there.
– 2 Texas vs 15 Colgate: Texas beats Colgate because, I’m a Crest guy.

West Region:
– 1 Kansas vs 16 Howard: In this matchup I went with the first 5 famous people from both schools and thought about if they played the game and I’m so sorry Howard University, but Kansas is too strong. Paul Rudd, Wilt Chamberlain, Joel Embiid, Paul Pierce, and Bob Dole are scoring at least 200 on Howard’s starting 5 of Chadwick Boseman, Thurgood Marshall, Taraji P Henson, Sean “P Diddy” Combs, and Kamala Harris. Defending National Champion Kansas in a drought.
– 8 Arkansas vs 9 Illinois: IDFK and IDFC, its pigs vs orange, Arkansas wins.
– 5 Saint Mary’s vs 12 VCU: Moving on to Saint Mary’s Gaels against the VCU rams. Ram Gayle? We talking basketball or a deep fake porn of America’s favorite morning news anchor? Either way we’re taking VCU in an upset.
– 4 U Conn vs 13 IONA: Huskies vs Gaels. A husky Gayle? Are we talking about a basketball game or the reason why America’s favorite morning news anchor Gayle King’s husband cheated on her? She stood no chance, U Conn wins.
– 6 TCU vs 11 Arizona State: After Arizona State beats Nevada to win and get in, they will face off against TCU in a 40-minute Holy War. The Sun Devils try as they might will be no chance for TCU, they dance with snakes and horned frogs so demonic guises do not scare them in the slightest. TCU wins, Amen.
– 3 Gonzaga vs 14 Grand Canyon University: I had never heard of Grand Canyon but apparently it’s the largest Christian university and I saw one link of alleged complaints against GCU by veterans and students not being granted transfer credits and making it more expensive so, they lose for being greedy.
– 7 Northwestern vs 10 Boise State: I’m gonna take Boise State because I’m a 90’s/2000’s kid and the Fiesta Bowl Statue of Liberty play will live on in my head forever as a core memory for sports being cool.
– 2 UCLA vs 15 UNC Asheville: To think about sports for once, Jaime Jacquez and Tyger Campbell are absolute studs for UCLA. I think this will be a fun game, but UCLA just manages to stick around for a little bit in these tournaments.

The Round of 32

South Region
– 1 Alabama vs 9 West Virginia: Those hicks in Appalachia wasted all their money on heroin and couldn’t afford the XL tampons. The Crimson Tide’s heavy flow proves too much an Alabama makes the Sweet 16.
– 5 San Diego State vs 13 Furman: The Aztecs have their work cut out against the Furman Paladins because those knights have armor, and they have biological weapons. That’s right, they brought smallpox. They infect and enslave the Aztecs, another upset win.
– 6 Creighton vs 3 Baylor: The Creighton Blue Jays continue to rain in 3’s like a bunch of magnetons that just got critically hit by growlithe’s flamethrower.
– 7 Missouri – 2 Arizona: Missouri’s most notable landmark is the Gateway Arch, a mere 630′ H x 630′ W, that isn’t even as impressive as Arizona’s second most notable landmark, the Hoover Dam. Which towers over the arch at 730′ H x 1240′ W. Arizona cruises to the Sweet 16.

East Region:
– 1 Purdue vs 9 FAU: This is Goliath versus David with a Goliath on the team. Purdue has the Mongolian Mountain, Zach Edey, who stands at 7’4″; and FAU has the Soviet Skyscraper, Vladislav Goldin, who is 7’1″ tall. Seeing those two baby giraffes work the court will be ALL TIME and ultimately, Purdue wins.
– 12 Oral Roberts vs 13 Louisiana: The only thing that can take down a drunken ragin cajun is some sloppy toppy. Oral Roberts moves on.
– 6 Kentucky vs 3 Kansas State: The best things I can think of for this one is Kentucky Fried Chicken vs Kansas barbecue. Kansas in a f’kin LANDSLIDE.
– 10 USC vs 2 Marquette: Marquette doesn’t know what a Trojan is apparently as they have one of the highest STD rates amongst colleges. USC comes in and puts up a defensive clinic ending Marquette’s run before the Sweet 16.

Midwest Region:
– 1 Houston vs 8 Iowa: Like the famous Iowa wave, you can say goodbye to those dying kids, they are no match for a cougar. Houston makes the Sweet 16 for the second time in 2 years.
-12 Drake vs 4 Indiana: Wheelchair Jimmy rolls over the Hoosiers and gives Drake his wet dream, a Sweet sweet 16.
– 6 Iowa State vs 3 Xavier: Professor X knows how to handle a Storm and Xavier pulls out the win.
– 10 Penn State vs 2 Texas: The ghost of Sandusky tries to play 6th Man but is haunted by all of the young Tex-ass at the game trying to get in bed with McConaughey and ruins Penn State’s play at the buzzer.

West Region:
– 1 Kansas vs 8 Arkansas: Lil internet throwback, “I am confusion, why is this Kansas and this one is not Arkansas? Why is Arkansaw?” Kansas moves on for being phonetically easier.
– 12 VCU vs 4 U Conn: A husky ram? Are we talking about a basketball game or a well fed Dubwool? (Woah, 2 Pokémon jokes? Who let this guy blog). VCU wins.
– 6 TCU vs 3 Gonzaga: I typed in “_____ scandal” for both of these schools. TCU was in trouble for athletes receiving money and Gonzaga… for harboring predatory priests on campus so, TCU squeaks by.
– 10 Boise State vs 2 UCLA: You would think that UCLA is the party school that gets caught up in the Hollywood lifestyle and TikTok trends. But, per a quick look at the stats, they have an 80% 4-year graduation rate at UCLA while Boise State is sitting at 31%… 31%! That ugly blue football field suddenly makes more sense, they don’t know what the hell they’re doing up there. UCLA in a rout.

Sweet 16

– 1 Alabama vs 15 Furman: Knights and Paladins definitely did not have proper feminine hygiene to handle a Crimson Tide, Alabama continues to flow over the competition.
– 6 Creighton vs 2 Arizona: What was that? You want more Pokémon? Okay but only because you asked. We have the battle of Piplup vs Persian, and I’m talking original 151 Persian too not the weird grey modern one… Piplup is one of my favorite post-151 Pokémon additions and I might even choose it as my starter, but that bird doesn’t stand a chance against a cat. AZ wins.
– 1 Purdue vs 12 Oral Roberts: Sorry to any Bob’s living in West Lafayette, Indiana but, you don’t get victory dome until you grow up and become a Robert. Oral Roberts with another bracket bust moment. (wink)
– 3 Kansas State vs 10 USC: No one photoshops pictures of crew practice to get their kids into Kansas State… it’s all USC.
– 1 Houston vs 12 Drake: Drizzy Drake must be hanging out with James Harden too much because apparently Houston strip clubs are his kryptonite, spending as much as $1 million in one night. Houston get the bag and rolls on.
– 3 Xavier vs 2 Texas: Bevo is out for blood and gores that Violet Beauregard cosplayer that Xavier calls a mascot, sealing Texas’ victory in blood.
– 1 Kansas vs 12 VCU: Okay, I promise I’m done ramming VCU jokes down your throat, the Jayhawks make the Elite 8.
– 6 TCU vs 2 UCLA: Writing this is getting hard… to quote Michael Scott, “I feel like Neve Campbell in “Scream 2.” She thinks she can go off to college (UCLA) and be happy. And then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends.” UCLA kills the competition, makes the Elite 8.

Elite 8

– 1 Alabama vs 2 Arizona: The Crimson Tide’s flow has gotten heavier and heavier, treating the Hoover Dam like an elevator in The Overlook Hotel and washing away the wildcats’ tournament hopes.
– 12 Oral Roberts vs 10 USC: The phallic fellas are duking it out in this one as we have the Slob on Bob’s vs the Trojans and condoms are the one of only things that can ruin a beej and USC spoils the Cinderella run by Oral Roberts.
– 1 Houston vs 2 Texas: I flipped a coin, Heads for Houston and Tails for Texas. Houston won.
– 1 Kansas vs 2 UCLA: Big things are a Bruin in this one… I dunno, I’m running on fumes, UCLA wins.

Final 4

– 1 Alabama vs 10 USC: Those tree-hugging libs over in California probably only sell vegan tampons and biodegradable pads in order to save an endangered fairy shrimp or something, the Crimson Tide breaks through with ease.
– 1 Houston vs 2 UCLA: I have a feeling that college basketball players at UCLA know how to handle a cougar… UCLA punches their ticket to the Natty.

National Championship Game

– 1 Alabama vs 2 UCLA: In honor of March being Women’s History Month, Alabama sacrifices a debutante to sync the cycles of Women past, present, and future. Unleashing a Red Wave the likes of which we haven’t seen since whatever happened in that 2016 election… They manage to Make Alabama Great Again and the Alabama Crimson Tide win the game 84 – 71. (Thank you ChatGPT for the final score simulation.)

Welp, there you have it folks, my March “Madness” bracket. Make these picks if you want to ride with me and win your office pool.*

*Disclaimer* I will bet this bracket but I will also be hedging with a second bracket of my actual thoughts so we will see which one pans out in the end.