Money Can’t Buy You Happiness… But It Can Buy You Twitter

That’s right, everyone’s favorite Twitter troll did it. The man up and bought Twitter. Elon Musk, the richest man on Earth, decided that dominating America’s electric car market or shooting off rockets basically every week wasn’t enough.

Musk shared in a tweet why he felt the need to buy Twitter: to keep it as our “digital time square, where a wide range of beliefs can be debated in a healthy manner,” and expressing that he wants to avoid the splintering off of social media into radical Right and Left echo chambers. Saying that it will only “generate more hate and divide in our society.” (@Truth Social)

This came after he tweeted a video of himself carrying a sink into Twitter HQ. Even after a $44 billion purchase he still had priorities set on memes, you’ve got to respect that. (In retrospect, it might have been foreshadowing the sinking twitter stock after he took over) Maybe they’ll add flamethrowers to the Twitter merch store or something.

He’s got OJ tweeting at him trying to get verified, and I would imagine he will un-ban Trump too (@Truth Social again). I admit that I really do hope that Elon fulfills his goals to keep it an open source of communication, less silencing and a more open forum but with some safety rules, seems good to me.

But I think I’m more interested with the fact that he spent $44 billion to buy Twitter. That’s so cool to have the ability to make a purchase like that and just, add it to your Pokédex of uber-expensive things. So, it only seemed fitting that for this power ranking, I’m going to dive into some of the things that the wealthy like this spend their money on.

#1 Professional Sports Team

Clear cut, no brainer, #1 choice for me. Sports are king. It’s basically the cool guy that always has tickets, but on steroids. You own the place. Everyone knows the NFL dominates TV and is the most lucrative of the American sports in which to own. Jerry Jones paid $150 million for the Dallas Cowboys back in 1989, now it’s worth a cool $8 billion. I would personally want to buy one of “my” teams but unfortunately, I do not have a moustache worthy of owning the Jaguars… So, I would pivot towards the MLB and set my sights on the Tampa Bay Rays.

On a personal note, as owner of the Rays NEVER, and I mean NEVER, would Blake Snell be pulled from a World Series elimination game 6 after holding the best team in baseball scoreless through 5 1/3 innings with 9 K’s on only 73 pitches… Never… But more seriously, it’s time to take some of my rich man billions and build a new stadium. The Trop holds my heart, but my god is it ugly. Just a depressing concrete dome straight out of the 90’s that doesn’t get much better on the inside… Just as gray, the only redeeming qualities being the quirky roof that always comes into play and the stingray tank in left field.

If you build it, they will come. Look at the other sports. Warriors get a new arena? Championship. Rams get a new stadium? Championship. Let’s not rework the wheel here…

#2 Superhuman Health

There is no doubt that the richer you are the more options you have for healthcare. You can see the work of money on health in real time, just look at Magic Johnson (what has he ever done?) or Kloe Kardashian. The best part is, when you are that wealthy, you can splurge on not just the world-renowned doctor’s and surgeons, but also the fun quack shots.

Look, I can respect if people like this really do help people change their lives and live better, like Dana White on the 10X health system. But you don’t have to sell me on blood analysis that can estimate how long I will live. Or a $130,000 system of red-light beds and panels that use “magnetism, oxygen, and light” to “improve your skin, reduce inflammation, improve circulation and oxygenation.” No thank you, I’m not drinking that Kool-Aid. I’ll just take the best doctor’s and HGH possible, make me hot like Bezos. I mean, just look at those pythons. If I am going to be the superhuman NFL owner I want people to look at me and think, “Damn, get that dude some pads.” Get built like Bezos, low center of gravity, you’ve got a recipe for success as a middle linebacker.

#3 Private Jet

Without a doubt I think that this would be the most valuable thing to me if I had the means to make it happen. Vacations are the best, travelling and seeing new cultures and different parts of the world is one of the best things to do in life. And honestly, actually taking flights on airplanes isn’t even the worst part of the process. It’s the airport hands down.

Sure, if you have a healthy mindset you can show up to the airport early, get through customs and have plenty of time for a meal and a drink before the flight. But time is money, money is power, power is pizza: and I HATE wasting pizza. I don’t need multiple gold adorned spaces in my jet like Drake’s plane (although the theater does pique my interest) because the main sale for me is purely that lazy convenience factor.

Hear me out… No airport security line? Showing up right when you want to take off because, it’s YOUR plane and it’s not going to leave without you. BYOB. You don’t get stuck with a stranger stealing the armrest or a crying baby. Nope, you just roll on into that Republican parking lot and get on that jet baby. Global warming be damned, that’s for the next generation to figure out one TikTok dance at a time.

#4 Outer Space

Now, a space program is probably the coolest thing that someone could put their money into. That is why three of the richest men on the planet are all racing to have the best space program. All with three different ideas.

Branson’s wannabe spaceship looks straight out of the Jetson’s and will take you to space for a half a million. Elon is launching more rockets into the ocean than a North Korean dictator. And Bezos wanted an excuse to dress up those muscles with an astronaut suit and cowboy hat to take a ride on a ship that was a pure homage to Dr. Evil. I mean, they literally made a joke about a bald evil man taking off in a penis shaped rocket ship and then Bezos goes off and does this…

Go ahead and ad that to the blog list: the best accidentally phallic things.

Are they just that unaware of how things come off? This character arc of Bezos actually has me yearning for some more smoked meats and Sweet Baby Ray’s.

#5 Memorabilia and Stuff

What’s the point of being wealthy if you can’t treat yourself to little knick knacks and trinkets that pique your interests. Maybe I covet things too much, but I have mad respect for the guys who just go for it. Like Nick Cage having to take every role movie given to him because he blew all of the money on just guy stuff. He saw a t-rex skull and said, ” I want that,” (DUH, dinosaurs are awesome) “and while you’re at it, King Tut had it right, I want to be buried in a pyramid too.” He bought a haunted mansion, a European castle, had king cobras for pets, and $150,000 for a first edition SUPERMAN COMIC.

Sure, this might sound crazy to some of you, but I can 100% agree with the fact that if I had wealth into the 9 figs, you bet your ass I’m gonna get some ridiculous stuff for my house. Johnny Depp collects Barbies, Tom Hanks collects typewriters, Nick Cannon collects baby mama’s, everyone has their vice.

I would probably have a ridiculously large vinyl record library and you bet I would have some ridiculously cool sports memorabilia. Maybe I’ll go looking for one piece from each Hall of Famer. “Is that… a… jockstrap..? Why do you have Joe Frazier’s jockstrap?”

Why? Why not? It’s going to be part of my giant shrine of things to stare at and love like a raven collecting trash bits for its nest. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and behold my stuff.

Honorable Mentions

• A Yacht, especially if I have to dismantle a historic bridge to get it out of the harbor. Daddy needs his Vitamin Sea.
• An In Home Maid was very close to making the list because I would love to have a clean and perfect house but there’s just no way I can hold myself to doing it myself…
• A Right Hand Man. I don’t need to be Connor MacGregor and have a guy hand me a water every time I take a sip, but I would love it if I could just have another me to help with my daily, more of a bag man than assistant. I guess most celebs roll with a friend but, I need someone who can help keep track of my wallet, watch, AirPods, anything I can and will lose or not keep charged.
• Luxury Cars are cool right? I’m not a gear head by any means but I do enjoy nice cars. I just wouldn’t be good at it, so it is an honorable mention.
• Real Estate Richard Branson at least has this one right, gonna get me a party island in the Caribbean.

I’m not sure if I will ever get to act on any of these ideas but it was fun to think about better ways of spending money than sinking it into something boring like the stock market or Twitter.